my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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