I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
