bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
