toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize