I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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