google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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