Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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