Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
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