Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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