So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
