I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
