This gyro tastes like lonliness
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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