Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
