i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
