if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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