My Higher Power is John Stamos
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
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