I can text with my tongue
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
How drunk are you?
Completed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
