you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I checked into jail on foursquare
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
