Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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