I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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