So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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