i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
