What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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