Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
