everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
