kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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