i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I should be sponsored by Trojan
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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