U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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