I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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