Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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