He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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