Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
