i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
