i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
