i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
