plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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