she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
