God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
