he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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