I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
