It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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