I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
