my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
