Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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