Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Randomize
