How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize