I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
