saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
