We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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