My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
