I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
