I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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