Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
