you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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