my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
