I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
