It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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