Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i drank out of a bidet.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
