the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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