Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
