I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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