We won't sleep together?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I need a beard to bite.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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